How long to heal from divorce?

This morning I googled, “How long does it take to heal from a divorce?” This wasn’t the first time I’d googled such a phrase, but I guess I was hoping for some sort of miraculous new answer. I didn’t find it. 

Instead, I was reminded that for the length of time I was in my marriage, it’s going to be about two years before I’m healed. And, according to many sites I read, healed doesn’t mean the scar doesn’t remain.  Not exactly an uplifting start to my day, but I’m not sure what else I expected to find. 

Two years sounds like a long time, but yet when I think about the past 13 ½ years, those have flown by so quickly. It feels like just a moment ago I was dancing at my wedding, and then I blinked, and I’m now working on a divorce settlement. Of course, that’s always the case when we’re looking back on fond memories. Being in the thick of it with pain and hurt? Well, each minute feels like an hour, and each hour feels like a day.  

Another question I have – When does the two year clock start anyway? Was it the day he told me he wanted a divorce? The day he filed? The day he served me papers (I hope not, because that hasn’t actually happened yet). Does it start from the last time we were together in a room? If that’s the case, I’m almost 6 months into my timeline. I don’t feel like I’m a fourth healed though, even though I have no idea what that might feel like. 

The very idea of a prescribed timeline for grief seems strange to begin with, because everyone grieves differently, and everyone processes things differently. Basically what I’ve gotten from my research so far is that it’s going to take a heck of a long time until I’m okay again. And being okay again does not mean things will be the same. They will never be the same. That doesn’t mean things will be terrible though. But right now, they’re not great.

I’m at that point where I’m playing through my standard memories on repeat, and then suddenly I’ll remember something else that slays me – something new to add to the list of what’s over. Something like, oh wow, we’ll never walk downtown again at Christmas time and look at all the lights in the city. Or, I’ll never sit in the passenger seat of his car and go for a long drive to Julian where we talk about hopes and dreams and possibilities. We’ll never go to Catalina together again. We’ll never have coffee together again. Time for a deep breath.

You get the point. 

I know that I need to try and stop thinking about these things, but I can’t help it. I also can’t help the fact that I happened upon the saddest and most perfect song the other day (completely by accident) and now the main lyric of the chorus is permanently seared into my brain. Just a few bars playing over and over and over as I see a montage of memories floating by – you know, like how they do it in the movies – the picture a little hazy, and going through images like snapshots set to the saddest music, just to tug at your heartstrings a little extra bit more? 

If I was trying to get through this time on my own strength and power, I’d really be lost. In fact, I’d be drowning.  I don’t know how some people manage to do it. As it stands, I’m going under a bit most days, but God brings me back to the surface. Through the Word, through prayer, even through time sitting with that awful and yet beautiful song playing in my mind, He is with me through this. 

As I spend more time in the Word, I’m finding verses that are like a life raft for me. Verses like “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 ESV

and

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18 ESV

I’m reading stories from those who have gone before me and survived heartache, some even finding a miracle at the end of their grief journey. 

I’m also taking it day by day. Some days I feel better than others. Some days I need more time alone than others. I’ve realized that that’s okay, I let each day be what it needs to be.

If you’re going through a time of grief know this – we serve a great God who truly does have our best interest at heart. There is a silver lining to be found, even if it’s dim right now. You will be okay, no matter how long it takes to get to that place, and even if you don’t understand how you’ll get there right now. 

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5 ESV