I’m about to reach a serious life milestone, but it’s not one I’m jumping up and down about. I’m heading into a new decade, and it feels really uncomfortable. The discomfort comes from not just growing older, but my life is literally starting over too. New town, new work, no husband, pandemic…it’s a lot to take in. 

As someone who works in entertainment, even admitting that I’m reaching this age is tantamount to career suicide, because worthwhile women don’t turn 40, do they? At least, that’s what Hollywood would have you believe. 

I’ve wrestled with this idea of age for so long, I can honestly say it started almost two decades ago when I was 20. I’ll never forget standing in the hallway at a music industry conference and there he was—an A&R guy with one of the biggest labels in Nashville. I was a starry-eyed California girl, desperately wanting to make it in either country, pop, or Christian music, and I knew this – this right here – was my chance. I approached him with a burning question, “Am I too old to make it in the music industry?” 

He laughed. “What are you, like 16?” 

“No,” I said, my head hung in shame, “I’m 20.”

He gave me advice (while assuring me that no, I wasn’t too old to “make it”). Of course, I never did, but that’s another story. 

As I reached my 30th birthday, I felt like I had a crisis of identity. I remember on the last night of my twenties desperately wanting to do something, anything that would create memories on what I thought was the last night that my life would matter. My husband didn’t share my sentiment, so that something ended up being me going to the mall alone (sad, right?). When I got to the mall, I felt ridiculous. I didn’t even get out of my car and instead sat there crying about the passing of time. 

And now, here I am, less than 30 days until the big 4-0 and I’m feeling it again. I’m feeling that sense of impending doom that comes when you know something big is about to hit and that something big isn’t something good. There’s already been so much change. In my 30s I was married. In my 40s I’ll be single. In my 30s I lived in a home on a canyon in San Diego with my husband. In my 40s I’ll live somewhere in Orange County alone. In my 30s I was a military wife. In my 40s I’ll have to add “former” to that title. It’s a lot and it sucks. 

Part of the reason I think getting older is so hard for many of us is because we feel unvalued. And of course we would. Youth and beauty are everything in our culture. It’s why there are phrases like, “the wrong side of 30,” and it’s why we have grown women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s – even leaders in the church – dressing and acting like teenagers, rather than teaching teenagers to act like grown women. We idolize the youth and therefore anyone who doesn’t fit that narrative is worthless.

This thought has sunk deep into my bones, and I feel it daily. I feel it when I look in the mirror and think about how much easier it would be to find someone new if my divorce happened 10 years ago. I think about it when I remember X telling me that I’d be 40 and alone when he said he was leaving me. He’s younger than me, which is a problem I didn’t realize would be a problem until we were years into our marriage.  

I know, I know, I know…God loves me, and I’m beautiful to Him, no matter my age. He looks at the heart, not the outside appearance. I feel like I have to qualify this stuff I’m saying because yes, I am a Christian. But, yes, I do want to feel good about myself as well, and I don’t think that’s a conflict of interest. 

So here’s the thing – I’m determined to change this story. I’m setting out to make this fourth decade of my life the best it can be. I want to grow in my faith, I want to meet new friends, I want to have fun, and I might even want to fall in love. I don’t think I need to lose that right when the clock strikes midnight on my next birthday. 

For other women out there who feel the way I do, let’s help each other out! Let’s share stories about women who are rocking life after 35 and thriving! Let’s use images in our brands that showcase people of all ages. Fellow Christians, let’s stop trying to be so ‘relevant’ to young people that we lose the respect and fellowship of believers our own age. 

And if you’re a younger person reading this, I hope you’ll find hope in what I’m saying too, because believe it or not, one day you’ll be crossing this threshold into your 40s and beyond, and you’ll be glad to know you can be relevant as you are, and that each birthday you add doesn’t subtract from your worth. You don’t need to go away or move aside when you reach a certain age. You should be valued for who you are and for the experience you bring. 

I know that change starts with me, so I’m here to make it happen. Who’s ready to work with me?